Humor, jokes, okay people this is The Siberian American, this is my page, my humor, my jokes, laugh or I'll smack you.
New America Russia News, Weekly News Satire of Russia, America, Bush, Putin, and World News
Installment 12 October 13, 2003
Well I am getting bad vibes from the boss. Not what he says but what he does not say. Got this bad feeling that something is going on with the job. May be I will finally get fired or something. But would that be bad or would that be good? I will have to think about that as I fly back.
Mom, says no stop overs in Amsterdam. She keeps saying time to settle down and raise a bunch of little guys. I say why? She says, somebody has to carry on with the family name. The two nice FBI people were married, had kids, and were happy? So why can you not get married and have kids?
Like the discussion, just about as good as the one about that I should get a toupee. Hey I like being bald and i like being single.
Installment No 11, August 9, 2003
Long time no write. Well the recent brush with death, like the sound of the words, has made me think. Of course I have thought before but now I am really thinking and hard. My boss might just go ahead and fire me or may be promote me. Either option is appealing. As long as I can take the gym with me. Its Containers so no problem with that. Just put in on a rail car and away we go.
Will have to see what happens. And whose knows, may be my deputy will show up and tell the boss? But actually I think he is a long way away from here. A long way.
So we will see what happens. And yes the mosquitoes are about gone now. I have donated my blood for the survival of this species.
Installment No 10, February 1, 2003
Well boys and girls, welcome to the wonderful world of Siberia. Where you only get 7 hours of sunshine and can freeze to death in minutes. But glad to be back. Everyone has forgotten how much of an Nice Guy I am and has been treating me well. So not too much I can say.
So I have not thought of a topic.
Considering doing what some people do here. Cut a hole in the ice and jump in the water that is freezing. I have not decided to do it or not. But people are pushing me to do it. But not sure if I would sink or float or if I would have an instant heart attack. And why are they asking me to do it?
Installment No 9, December 27 2002
A topic a topic what to rant about? Well I hate to say this but although I am an Lovable Guy the Russians, especially the one in Western Siberia still treat me good. It is an amazing thing that groups of people from two different worlds are so much alike.
There are no differences between people only misunderstanding and a few people in their own self interest who make problems.
Peace on Earth, Goodwill to men, and remember people are all the same around the World. Conflicts is caused by misunderstanding and a very few people manipulating people, sometimes whole countries.
And a word wisdom, never try to out drink a Russian. Did that yesterday and failed again!
Installment No 8, December 13, 2002
Well in this beautiful place, -45, what a great day. Almost froze my hand to the hand railing again.
Honestly beginning to think I am crazy. This hits you when you step outside and the cold sucks the heat out of your brain. Ever have that happen?
Hell sometimes you go without with a hat, forget, and your brain starts shutting down because it gets cold. This can happen within 10 seconds.
And if the wind is blowing, walking a 100 meters become life threatening.
Maybe I have froze part of my brain and it died? You know never thought of that before, possible? May be I should ask my doctor?
Installment No 7, November 24, 2002
Okay, I am disappointed in Putin big time. At arrivals Sheremetyevo they did not put up Aisles for passport control. There was only one window open so just one long line.
I guess they want people to feel better about leaving than coming? Look 10 years and not one improvement in the arrivals area? Sorry the toilet does work now, and it has a door. And they hand out candy.
I mean passport people make about $150 per month. Each tourist or businessman spends at least $2,000, so is it not a good idea to make people feel wanted? Or do you treat them like a bunch of unwanted immigrants?
What is the pay back from not getting pissed off each time you come to Russia? Compared to the cost of 2 or 3 more people working?
Personally I spend a lot of money in Russia, okay may be not for the best things, but I leave lots of money here. At least treat me as good as the British do?
And People who cut the line get somebody to shoot them or at least hit them with a tazer? You should be in line when a plane comes in from China.
You have to use your elbows to keep them back. I had to bust a few noses. So Putin do something!!!!!!!!!
Installment No 6, November 10, 2002
This perhaps is the biggest thing that has happened in Russia in ten years. This is really big. Aisles have been set up for passport control when leaving Russia. Yes, you heard me right. After a decade of pushing and shoving there is actually a system at passport control.
Instead of the 2 to 7 lines, or one big crowd pushing, there is a system of metal aisles that feed one person at a time for Passport Control.
If you have been at Sheremetyevo airport in the summer time and taken almost 2 hours to get through passport control you would understand.
At times riots have almost occurred when people have cut lines(normally after paying a small bribe). We can only pray and hope that the same system is setup at arrivals.
Mr. Putin needs to be congratulated on this. It is a major step.
No I have not gone crazy, you have have been there you would understand.
Installment No 5, October 28, 2002
Weather is mild here, actually above freezing today. But this is just suckering us into thinking that the winter would not be too bad. That first day of -40, boy that smacks you a hard one. Sucks the old heat right of the body. The poor bastards that we force to work outside in that temperature. And -50 that is something everybody should experience one time.
But hell we pay them to work in this place they just got to do it or starve, right?
Hell I used to work out in the Gym when it was -10 because it was not insulated. Had to wear gloves or you could freeze your hands to the bar. And sometimes somebody would turn the heat off. Once or twice it was -20 in the Gym.
Try working out at that temperature. It is kinda hard on the lower body hardware. For a few days it would not even come out and say hello.
Went to a doctor about it since things were not working 100%. He did not say I was an idiot for working out in that temperature, but he almost said it.
Dam, I wonder if somebody was doing it on purpose to mess me up and my little friend too?
Installment No 4, October 10, 2002
Well back in Beautiful Siberia. But actually it is beautiful this time of year. The snow falls and covers up the trash, garbage, and areas wasted by us humans.
But hey a week in good old Cyprus and ready to tear things up, fire people, and have a good time. This time did not get in trouble with the law. Close but people falling down drunk in bars and clubs is a common occurrence. Actually kinda of expected.
Well back on the job so will keep the site up dated. And actually surprised by this shit. Brute force does not work on this stuff so I'm out of my league.
Installment No 3, September 7, 2002
Sorry for not writing sooner. But had that little problem in Amsterdam. They would not let me have anything at the hospital that could be used as a weapon, including my laptop. Those people no sense of humor.
Promise to write at least monthly if I do not get in any more fights. I don't go looking for them but hey they figure I got lots of money. Of course having a diamond Rolex, a couple of gold rings and a big gold chain, okay well may be I ask for it.
Anyway why am I called Siberian American. I guess because I am an tough, tougher than Siberia and I like to fire people. Well actually we like to have them "voluntarily resign". May be under a little duress but hey we get rid of the people we don't want. And actually may have the record for Siberia in having people "voluntarily resign".
Installment No 2, August 7, 2002
Well here is the second installment. Wow, we have reached 100 visitors after a month. Time to celebrate. Big thanks to the whole 100 people who have visited. Yes most were friends and relatives, but you got to start some where. Thanks Mom for visiting 50 times so we could get the visitor count over 100!
Well would the workers of killed me if I had not built the Gym? Well take a group of young men 20 to 30, cut them off from booze(and a few drugs, quite a few drugs), women, and gambling for a month and what do you get? Add in that most were "red necks" and most could not read and write, well? And if they did did read it was Field and Stream, Outdoor Life, and the NRA magazine. They really went kinda nuts.
Their first trip out of here, well a bunch of them got arrested at the airport. One month no alcohol and you chug half a bottle of rot gut Vodka? And Vodka bought from the Mafia?
So it was a little touch and go for awhile until we build the Gym.
Installment No 1
Siberia Russia the Gym I started it and I'm a fitness nut. Ya, I am still around. Everyone tries to get rid of me, but I am like a bad penny or girl friend, keep coming back.
They have tried everything short of just shooting me. They tried a few times, well just tired to scare me, I think, just pulled a AK-47 a few times. Said they were just happy to see me and shot off a few rounds?
Words of wisdom, whatever you do never get blind drunk and fall asleep in Siberia. Either you freeze to death, get eaten alive by bugs, or your girlfriend steals all your money
My favorite humor site in Russia Kalashnikov Guns
SIBERIA GYM WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM